10/10/21 ***Finally, I manage to ward off the dark clouds

 After weeks of being under the weather, I finally managed to ride past the feeling of melancholy.  This is indeed a strange illness,

Come to think of it, eating junk is not the cause but the symptom.  There is [] (a) cycle that I have to be mindful of.

My job is to taper the amplitude so that the illness is bearable.

Certainly, I need to manage the dopamine surge so that my mood swing is manageable.

Weight is also a factor.  I need to keep my weight down.

I concluded that dealing with this illness and its medication is a lifelong battle.  I might lose the quality of life in my pursuit of trying to strike a balance to regulate my neurotransmitters.

There is nothing much for me to do but to go with the flow.

This is a long run, not a sprint.

Most importantly, I should keep on trying.

The illness is already part of me.  I cannot evade it.  Occasionally, I can take a break by smoking dope with BJ.  However, in the long run, there is no remedy.  I should have known.  I have been dealing with this illness for 22 years.

Just be grateful that I managed to quit the 3 Cs.  The rest of the idiosyncrasies are something that I have to accept as part of the package.

I have 2 odds stacked against me.  Definitely, the illness is a bane.  The other oddity is my INFJ personality.  So while I have to battle Bipolar Disorder, I have to be mindful that I have the rarest personality in the world.

Unless I am in the company of people like BJ, I am better off being alone.  That's because I have a different view from the masses. 

My best friend is the Blog.  That's because the Blog allows me to broadcast my view to the world without having to go through a lengthy debate.

A Vision need not be accepted by the masses.  It is just a matter of perspective.

Maybe I am meant to be like this.  Maybe I represent the microscopic demographic of the total population.  Perhaps I am the ultimate Average Joe.  

Whatever the case may be, I am a fighter.  There are plenty of reasons for me to give up.  Alas, with all the shortcomings, I continue with the uphill battle.

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So here I am, 22 years later.  What is the lesson I had gathered along the way?

One thing is for sure, the ultimate battle is the battle with my own shadow.  I had gone through the External Affairs.  Now is to conquer my own demon.

That is the battle for the next 3 years.

It is no longer about External Affairs, I had delivered my assignment with regards to that.  Now is to win over my illness, my inadequacy, and my own insecurities.

mm